Saturday, May 4, 2013

Underwear and Politics


Underwear

When I was thinking of what to pair politics with, it seemed only fitting to talk about underwear.  For me, both are very confusing subjects and tend to get shit in often. So this story branches back several years ago when I was let loose from mommy's arms to run among the adults. During this time, I was struck with several dilemmas and obstacles but probably one of the biggest one was underwear.  Honestly, growing up I never really gave them too much thought - they were just another stocking stuffer along with random shit my folks found at the local dollar store (Yeah, I'll make good use of these fifteen key chains Mom) . And their appearance never struck me as something important. It's not like I was getting laid a whole bunch, I was a fat kid. So when I went to go purchase some new ones I was amazed by the variety.  So many colors and so many designs. Some very classy and some down-right weird. And so it began, a trivial pursuit for the perfect match of trunk and junk. There are several questions and a whole checklist of what needs need to be fulfilled by a good pair of long johns  but in summary, it comes down to "what's going to make my dick look awesome?" and "what's going to make my booty go pop?".  Watching too much Revenge of the Nerds growing up and wanting to stray from bedroom rejection, I opted out of whitey tighties and moved directly to briefs. Looking at the package that portrayed some super hot dude with a goddamn banana in his pants, your first thoughts are these are going to look amazing on me.  But reality quickly sinks in as you dip in and realize you are suffocating your entire lower hemisphere and at irregular times of the day half your ass just slips out.  Now, I will say I might have judged this style too harshly and maybe even unfairly. You see, at the time, I was in a donut phase and there's a possibility I bought the briefs one size too small. Next, I wiggled through a variety of thongs and bikinis, settling on a sports cut. Surprisingly, they were really comfortable and answered the previously mentioned questions to a T. But there was a problem, and I didn't know of it until I was smack dab in the middle of it. As mentioned earlier, I was a fat kid.  Not super fat, but fat enough where people would tell me to go titty-fuck myself and winter jackets weren't needed.  So to combat this problem, I was working out and avoiding buffets. Working out became the issue. The one thing I didn't think about was how someone looks when they strip down from business suit to a bright turquoise bikini in the locker room full of muscular dudes. The gazing the eyes, the chit-chat/giggles and the impossibility of getting someone to spot you ever again when using free weights.  So that was the end of the bikini. Boxers were an obvious next choice, but were a big disappointment.  Cotton caused rashes and silk ripped every time I bent over as my ass crack quickly shifted from a creek to the Mississippi.  Boxer briefs were the next run and became the all-around winner.  They make things looks good, they adapt to quickly expanding butt cheeks, and allow me to get away without trimming for a long time by hiding that oh-so-scary jungle bush.

Politics

I'm always politically incorrect and for the most part, politically ignorant. I just don't have the time nor interest to get involved - to be that radical or voice of my generation.  But I find the people involved fascinating and support their ambition for change and fighting for something better than a compromise. Their stories inspire me and I suck them down like energy drinks. Yet every time I get a political jolt from this juice, as my attention shifts from dick jokes to hard facts and headlines, I get dreary and tired.  My eyes get heavy and it's hard for me to focus.  So I move from newspaper to people, thinking their expressions will be more entertaining than print, but the tales of truth they spin are nominal at best and blur the lines of a broken record and a late night talk show.  I don't know why people can't stick to the facts rather then subjugate them to their opinions.  Opinions are fine, it's how new ideas form and movements begin, but when it comes to informing, it is better to play historian rather than fortune teller.  Also why do people keep harping on the same stuff over and over.  Get one point across and move to another, that's how conversation work and actions happen.  If a wave never crests, then it never makes an impact.  All and all, I guess I'm just more interested in people than politics.  It's a trend.  My favorite documentaries are about individuals, and my punk is about relationships.